Enchanted

Winter conference. Mixed feelings about it haha. Let's see what happens.

I guess that'll mean I'll have to stop listening to "Enchanted". Unless I buy it now MUAHAHAHAHAHA. Kinda wish I could "Christianize" the song =[.

Good song I guess, but requires heart-guarding to listen to. I think I've come a long way in guarding my heart, but sometimes one look can still sweep me away. I'm so glad God's word is such a firm foundation, because I can't trust myself at all. Thanks to God and all the brothers and sisters who have been putting up with me all these years. Maybe I'll go into details later, but I gotta get my Chinese buns for breakfast for the next week during the conference =P.

Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.

~1 Timothy 5:1-2

Casinos

During my 3-day "vacation" at Niagara from December 20-22, I got a chance to going into the casino.

I kinda knew someone was going to suggest I accompany them, and in my mind I was ready to outright reject any invitations from any family members. You know, actively show my dislike for gambling, be a good witness for Christ, etc. Of course, I was also worried about looking like a pharisee, and was a bit torn there as well.

After a while though, I started wanting to go in. I wanted to see what the people inside looked like. See what drew people inside.

I was surprised at first. It was so empty! My mom said later on that it was because it wasn't peak season (not sure what makes it peak). She showed me the slot machine my whole family loved playing. Not even sure how to comment on that.

After that experience, I felt paralyzed. The slot machines are so similar to video games. I know this addiction. This voluntary slavery. The downward spiral where pleasure becomes need, where you don't play anymore to enjoy it, but because you are controlled by it. What can I do but pray for these people? I wanted to just start spreading the gospel in there. I felt so helpless, and just wanted to run away from this spiritual battle. From the battlefield that is my family. But I couldn't, so I asked God for strength.

I was later reminded:
Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. Do everything in love.
~1 Corinthians 16:13-14

I'm so afraid God - I don't want to be hurt anymore. And I know following You is tough. Only You can make me a man of courage.

Post-Exams

So relieved to be done! I had to much I wanted to write last two nights, but it seems like everything just flowed out of my head (like everything I studied in the last 10 days or so lolz).

I felt like I've achieved bankai, went into seed mode, did a limit break, and still failed to come close to getting the marks I wanted (ie. pass haha). As I sit here recalling all the emotions and thoughts that went through my head, I found that both had failed me. And I wasn't unfamiliar with those despairing thoughts and emotions, but they sought to break me completely this time.

I remember one thought I had was how stupid it was for me to be struggling through this. I mean, this was nothing compared to Jesus (Matthew 27:45-46) or Paul (2 Corinthians 1:8-11), or (in hindsight) even things some brothers and sisters are going through right now. Thinking about it now, it's a reflection of just how weak I am, and yet how strong I am in Christ. It's not making much sense to me in my head haha, and it's such a weird idea to embrace in my head. It's like plotting p and ~p (continuously, somehow), and finding that there's a positive correlation between two opposite ideas!

One of the big things that really caused me to be bitter was that the end of exams were not the end of it! Instead of just chillaxing after my birth pains (sorry I wanted to use that for a while to describe exams =P), my next "assignment" (lack of a better word) was already laid out for me.

During a conversation with a non-Christian, I made the statement that "80 years is nothing - it's such a short period of time". With this context, it doesn't matter when Jesus returns; there's so little time either way! And it was this statement that made me realize that we don't have that much time to work. It then becomes simple, because it's all about fractions: the less time we spend on ourselves, the more time we have for others.

Of course, I believe there are many flaws with this generalization (not enough emphasis on motivation, and issues such as with Martha, and with people-pleasing issues), but the question remains: am I willing to change my lifestyle purely for the sake of serving another person? To lay down my life for theirs?

All of me

You say, strength is found in weakness
Peace in incompleteness
So why do I hold on?

You look, for a heart that's open
For beauty in the broken
So why am I withdrawn?

My soul's screaming out
To be found in You

Spirit draw me to my knees
Captivate all of me, all of me
Here before You honestly
Captivate all of me, all of me

I'm so messy and distracted
Undisciplined and tactless
Here on the inside

I thought age would tell the secrets
But the secrets are still secret
And the years are passing by

Teach me to wait in the moments of my need
Teach me to hear the melodies of peace

~Captivate - Starfield


dy/dx: I always smile when I hear or think about the word "captivate". Too kawaii =P.

Honestly

Could I let go of all that You've given
If it meant that it all would be Yours?
Could I sit at Your feet, and forget about me, and remember what I’m here for?

Honestly I need to be broken
Honestly I need to fall down
Go ahead and shake my foundation
Cause honestly I’m figuring out
That of all that I have, all that I need is You
Honestly

If I leave behind all thats familiar
Could I do what has never been done?
If I believed in You, like You believe in me, would You finish the work You've begun?

Honestly I need to be broken
Honestly I need to fall down
Go ahead and shake my foundation
Cause honestly I’m figuring out
That of all that I have, all that I need is You
Honestly
Your all that I need

Honestly I need to be broken
Honestly I need to fall down
Go ahead and shake my foundation
Cause honestly I’m figuring out
That of all that I have, all that I need is You
Honestly

~Honestly - Carl Cartee

Wish there was something I could do with the seemingly inevitable. I don't want to lay down my life for them. I don't I don't I don't. But You refuse to let me hide here anymore.

Forgetting All I'm Lacking

The best proof you can ever have of God's being mighty to save, dear hearers, is that he saved you.
~Spurgeon, 1857

So various people has pointed out that "Forgetting All I'm Lacking" spells "F.A.I.L.". How fitting =P.

I'm 50% sure I got less than 50% on my exam today. A big part of me is hoping that I pass, but I have no evidence at all as to why I should receive the grade. No reason at all for that hope.

The funny thing is, I feel so much better right now compared to how I felt two days ago. Thank you for all your prayers, and transcendent peace ftw (Philippians 4:6-7).

A big part of the last two days was remembering why I'm here in the first place. Remembering that I was never promised I will get the degree, but that I will be transformed through school. God has already been so faithful in doing that, and I've grown so much since I was a frosh.

I remember now that my hope is not on my strength, nor my mark (or should I say myself ha ha ha). My hope is that God will be glorified. Not the easiest thing to hold on to, since I love to use the time and energy given to me for myself. I don't know how often I am self-serving when serving. It seems the more I know myself, the more incredulous I become as to believing I am saved. And even more incredulously, some part of me still holds on to my ability or my worthiness. I seem to be the biggest hindrance to God being glorified.

But our God is mighty to save. And He is the Redeemer of my soul. So there's really nothing much to do but to "forget all that I lack", and press on. Let Him do His thing. Not like I can stop Him anyways. At least I have an excuse to sleep like a Calvinist =P.

Soli Deo gloria

How can a young man keep his way pure?
By living according to your word.
I seek you with all my heart;
do not let me stray from your commands.
I have hidden your word in my heart
that I might not sin against you.

Psalm 119:9-11

Despair

Ugh it's all coming back to me now (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDxoj-tDDIU; out of context). Hey, listening to it made me smile lolz. I blame my mom for her influence.

I'm scared. And as much as it doesn't help my reputation of being girly and a weak man, it's not like I can pretend otherwise.

I know God will be glorified whether I pass or fail. I know He won't love me less if I fail. I'm familiar with God's grace in exams (maybe). Yet, here I am again, immobilized by the despair in the coming nine days. Nine days and six exams, where I failed the midterm for two courses. It's so ironic, cause it's a positive feedback thing where I don't want to fail, but I don't want to do anything about it.

Maybe what I need isn't more time, but more God. More hope on Him. From Him. Rawr.

I want to quote Matthew 6:25-34, but I haven't been maximizing my time for Him and His kingdom. I want to quote Proverbs 20:4, but it is of no motivation. There's 2 Timothy 2:20-21, but I don't think I have the strength to take the first step. 2 Timothy 1:7, but I'm pretty sure that's out of context. What I could use is some Proverbs 20:5, although even then, I can't change without God's grace. Matthew 8:34? Maybe. Or maybe I should just pray and sleep. Gah. Can't even be sure if God is glorified with this post. *waves arms frantically*


I feel like, I would like
To be somewhere else doing something that matters
And I'll admit here, while I sit here
My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather

What's the purpose? It feels worthless
So unwanted like I've lost all my value
I can't find it, not in the least bit
and I'm just scared, so scared that I'll fail You

And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then You assure me

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

So I say if I can't, do something significant
I'll opt to leave most opportunities wasted
And nothing trivial, that life could give me will
Measure up to what might have replaced it

Too late look, my date book
Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone
And I bet, that regret
Will prove to get me to improve in the long run

And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then You assure me

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once

I notice, I know this
Week is a symbol of how I use my time
Resent it, I spent it
Convincing myself the world's doing just fine
Without me
Doing anything of any consequence
Without me
Showing any sign of ever making sense
Of my time , it's my life
And my right, to use it like I should
Like He would, for the good
Of everything that I would ever know

I'm a little more than useless
When I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once

~More Than Useless - Relient K

Soli Deo gloria.
And if there isn't any, consider this as a badly presented prayer request.