"It's not about behaviour modification, it's about worship alteration."
~Driscoll
So I opted out of attending Trinity night for Chinese Christian Fellowship (CCF) cause I got sick >.<. Sad, cause I really wanted to go. The apologetic side of me went "NOOOOOOOOOOOO". I decided to take a nap at around 7:30 pm instead.
I woke up at 10:00 pm, and I started half-hoping people will come over (it was about that time people got to Westcourt where I lived). As I was lying there, I thought about wanting to go back to sleep, and a spew of thoughts came rushing into my mind. How do I feel about willingly (loosely used) missing CCF for the first time? What am I feeling right now? How will I feel a year from now when CCF is no longer part of my life (barring grad school and full time in Waterloo)? What if I do stay in Waterloo longer? I can't stay in CCF forever. It'll be like going with Andy to college! (Sorry just finished Toy Story 3 =P). And all these questions dereferenced to this: is CCF an idol? Additionally, who will I become when I leave CCF? What would life be like? Would I still say I stand firm in the faith?
God has subtly asked me these question twice - first during a conversation after CCF last week, and during an interview this week. And I'm particularly sensitive to this topic at the moment because God has convicted me of where my heart has been, mainly, not with Him. And it's crystal clear to me, because my behavior has been so revealing since the beginning of term.
I'm more Calvinist than anything (flame shield powering up), so I'm not too worried about my salvation. It's still a very sobering and humbling thought to see myself constantly serving my sinful nature, and I'll never know for sure until God takes CCF away from me.
Identity is found in the God we trust
Any other identity will self destruct
~Identity - Lecrae
Thank you God for not handing me over to my sinful nature (Romans 1), and for treating me as a son (Hebrews 12). I have a feeling (ooo ooo) that You have much more planned for me before I come home. Can't say I'm terribly excited, but my life is not my own, and what You want for me is enough for me.
